## *Boxes* full of Pepe (2022)
### Q1

My relationship with Susan rapidly deteriorated after the new year.

I was, at this point, certain that she snooped around my house while I was away in New York. She simply revealed herself to know way too much about changes (or lack thereof) in the state of my property.

I'd talked about the issue at length with Kristina and my therapist. Vickie thought it unlikely she would ever admit to having done it, unless maybe I simply told her that I *knew* she did it.

I was waffling as to how I should proceed, and was a bit preoccupied with the whole Freemason-UFO thing. Susan forced my hand when she basically invited herself over early in January; at which point I had little choice but to tell her "no" in no uncertain terms.

I did the necessary during our little weekly call I'd better not forget about. I told her I *knew* she did it; and that I didn't feel comfortable with her coming to my house.

!lbubbleis Susan

!rbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 01:56PM}
Hey, can we do our call early?

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 01:57PM}
Sure. We can do  it now if you want.

!rbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 01:59PM}
Okay, give me a minute or two

The acronym "DARVO" stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender". It's a neologism in the self-help community for the sort of abuse often reflexively spewed out by people with certain personality-disordered traits.

I can't write a blockquote encapsulating everything Captain DARVO said, or rather screamed, over the next fifteen minutes or so. This'll have to do as an approximation.

> You're so **STUPID!**   
> How could you **DO** this to me!   
> I'm your **MOTHER!**

One thing was certain after our chat; she *definitely* did it. I struck a *nerve*.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 02:30PM}
I have to call someone. I'm in distress.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 05:36PM}
[Resized_20220109_173518.jpeg image/jpeg] Is the Lowe's key yours? Because it will be in the mail in the morning if it is.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 06:26PM}
Can we please talk sone more? This is horrible. You can't spring thus on me and disappear.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 06:29PM}
I swear on your life, my life, Caleb and Bray's life that I did not do it. I haven't driven farther than Whiteville and Lumberton in 2 years! Not since we met in Raleigh!

!rbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 07:16PM}
I don't want to talk right now, and I don't think either of us have anything productive to say that hasn't already been said. That isn't my key, and sending it back isn't necessary.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 08:07PM}
Well, I love you and am concerned about someone strange being in your house

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 08:07PM}
It's time to buy cameras.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 09:38PM}
I love you very much and would prefer to forget today ever existed.

!lbubble {Monday, January 10 2022 12:57PM}
[FB_IMG_1641837441399.jpg image/jpeg]


I had a rough time with this. I *want* to believe Susan; I really do. I'm afraid this person might just be a pathological liar; a phrase I first learned in elementary school as my parent's marriage was beginning to fail. I'm afraid it might just be impossible to have an honest relationship with this person.

#TODO I should probably backfill more about Susan; but I probably won't for a while because this is about UFOs.

---

By the new year, the last few months had been a whirlwind of bizarre, unexpected insights into *something* that was different about me; the exact nature of which still seemed to elude me. I was relieved by the idea that I at least wasn't the only person going through this; but, it had been a few months since I talked to Doris, and the situation had grown to the point that I really needed to figure out what I was supposed to *do*. No, I don't mean sageing my house or burning palo santo. I mean, what is it I'm actually supposed to *do* here?

My therapist had encouraged me to seek out groups that were into this, uh... sort of thing. I compiled a small list in the fall, but never went to any of them; there was a lot happening in my head, *really* fast.

I kept remembering more about the woman from the sermon; who actually appeared to be *me*. I remembered that a lot of the congregation was moved, and wanted to help her. As more came to me I thought, wasn't there a bunch of money raised for this woman or something?

Shit, what am I even supposed to...

I kept seeing Stephanie on the weekends. She wasn't able to provide much useful advice, but was into this stuff and had an ex who was ostensibly a medium. She was one of the people at Philly back in 2019 when Persephone had that weird talk with us. She also had an uncle who was a Freemason; though he never talked to Stephanie about what he did.

The talk with Tommy made me feel better; but I needed to see other people.

I needed to talk to Heather.

!lbubbleis Erika

!rbubble {Saturday, January 08 2022 02:47PM}
This might sound weird, but the next time you see Heather can you ask if she wants to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers show in September? It's our thing, she'll get it.

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 08:37AM}
yeah ofc I can

!lbubble {Sunday, January 09 2022 09:03AM}
she says "if there's an injoke there I've long forgotten it unfortunately" lol


Smooth move, Ex-lax.

> *Pepe Silvia*, this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole **box** is Pepe Silvia!

---

I had a doctor's appointment in mid-February; I believe it was the first one since Triangle Comprehensive Care was bought by Avery Primary Care during COVID times. I had put off going in person when I could get away with telehealth, and hadn't had any problems that required going in.

I'd done labs beforehand, and hadn't really paid attention to them other than to see that my hormones were normal. The first thing Dr. Reid wanted to talk to me about was

> Your vitamins, Rachael. How much B12 do you take?

I was taken aback, because I'd never brought up the fact that I *take* vitamin B12. So I'm thinking "Oh shit, what'd I do?"

!embed https://youtu.be/vaAF_GAc3Mk

I started taking vitamin B12 several years ago before I transitioned. I'd felt off for months in numerous vague, non-specific ways, and I found that taking a multivitamin seemed to make me feel better. I wanted to try narrowing down exactly *what* was making me feel better, and arrived at vitamin B12.[^921] I was a little surprised to find it actually seemed to help; but as time went on, I second guessed myself and assumed I was probably just chasing ghosts.

[^921]: This was probably bullshit, because those multivitamins don't have *anywhere near* enough vitamin B12 to help with a deficiency.

Several months after I stopped taking it, the same feelings came back. I reflected on what changed, and decided to try B12 again; only to find the symptoms gone again a few months later.

I repeated this process *a few* times, before ultimately concluding that maybe I should just take vitamin B12. It's a water-soluble vitamin that's harmless in excess.

Anyway, Dr. Reid said my vitamin B12 level was too high. I didn't think that was possible, but I'm not a doctor; granted, it *was* an order of magnitude above the reference level. I figured this was because I took a sublingual B12 right before I left home for my blood draw.

After learning my doctor was checking it, I decided to stop taking it once and for all. If I really *did* have a problem I supposed we'd find it.

Simultaneous with finding that my vitamin B12 was too high, she also pointed out that my vitamin D was *low*. I saw this as an attempt to show me how much better I'd feel if I actually took *the right shit*; or something.

Seems fine. She prescribed me vitamin D to pick up at the pharmacy. It was a something-thousand IU pill that you only took once a week. It may've made me feel a little better. She didn't prescribe more once I took the course.

---

More kept coming to me. I felt like I was on some sort of path. I felt like I had some purpose or destiny to realize; and had the feeling of experiencing visions or revelations, for lack of a better word. I thought I was meant to start an experimental community, become the president of a new breakaway state, and get assassinated *at exactly 12:26pm on Friday, May 8th 2026* before continuing on through countless subsequent lifetimes.

I was acutely aware of the optics of doing anything that would look like "starting a UFO cult". And yet, I couldn't deny how overpowering all this stuff in my head was.

I decided to engage Tommy for the first time since my surprise visit last fall.

!lbubbleis Tommy

!rbubble {Friday, February 25 2022 09:40AM}
Alright you crazy old man. I wouldn't mind having a talk with you about shark people and Warren, Ohio.

!lbubble {Friday, February 25 2022 09:39PM}
Hey Rachael! My apologies for getting back to you so late. My day was crazy. Yes, I would enjoy a talk with you.

!rbubble {Saturday, February 26 2022 08:31AM}
No worries! I'm available most nights and weekends. I get that you work weekends and are generally a busy guy, so I'll let you propose a time.


With the Heather connection still a bit up in the air and the ball now in Tommy's court, it was only a matter of time before I reached out to Persephone.

!lbubbleis Percy

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 04:10PM}
Hey Persephone!   
I haven't talked to you in a while, and I've been wanting to catch up. I went through a wee bit of a spiritual awakening last year, it seems I'm not from around here, and this isn't even news to my friendly hometown cabal of mystics and Freemasons. It's weird shit, though I get the feeling it might not be news to you either.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:08PM}
oh yeah?

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:08PM}
where are you from?

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:08PM}
Because I thought you were Rachael, Damnit.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:09PM}
you found a spiritual collective? Are they healthy people?

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:12PM}
I pinged you yesterday on the astral, thanks for getting my message -- good to see sms still works.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:12PM}
Unless Kristina messaged you about me asking.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:28PM}
I usually feel the anxiety, waiting for these long format messages, as I have the ad/hd.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:28PM}
I'd request whatever you are editing/working-on/thinking-about/trying to completely summarize, perfectly, you eventually hit enter.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:28PM}
🙂

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:29PM}
I just hit the Volcano and am also eating dinner, so I'm sorry I'll be a bit slow 😛    
> where are you from?   
The Pleiades, you little shit   
> you found a spiritual collective? Are they healthy people?   
Not exactly. I was talking about a small group of folks at my childhood church who figured it out when I was a kid. That included a childhood preacher who is also a Freemason and also not from around here. The fact that we happened to be born in the same hospital in Warren, Ohio turned out to be a surprise tool that helped me later.   
I would kinda like to find a lodge, coven, spiritual collective or what have you, but just haven't really had the time and energy. A year ago I was a hardened atheist skeptic who didn't believe in ghosts, so I guess my mind's a bit blown.    
> I pinged you yesterday on the astral, thanks for getting my message -- good to see sms still works.    
> Unless Kristina messaged you about me asking.   
Sorry, it was Kristina this time. She messaged me yesterday to check on me, since I've kinda been radio fucking silent on her the last several months. Speaking of her, how much does Kristina know about this stuff? I figured I should probably talk to you about it first at least.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:30PM}
I have instructions from Kristina you are in a no-play-area.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:30PM}
Kristina isn't into any of this stuff. She's gracious about listening to it tho.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:30PM}
> The Pleiades, you little shit   
hahahahahahahaa

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:31PM}
I don't know much about the Freemasons.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:31PM}
I don't have any lifetimes I'm aware of that are off planet yet.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:31PM}
... But you know, I haven't really looked that far back either.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:32PM}
I want to be friends and friendly, Kristina is mostly disentangled from me now.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:32PM}
Oh, Stacey and I aren't on speaking terms with Samantha and Brittany anymore.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:32PM}
idk if you knew that.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:34PM}
> Oh, Stacey and I aren't on speaking terms with Samantha and Brittany anymore.   
I knew something happened, but I wasn't certain of it. I'm sorry that went sour.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:34PM}
Sorry I'm being weird, I can't decide which thing to reply to next lmao

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:35PM}
it's ok.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:35PM}
this is better.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:35PM}
> Kristina isn't into any of this stuff. She's gracious about listening to it tho.   
I take that to mean if I tell Kristina I'm a reincarnated space alien she'll probably just laugh it off?

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:35PM}
faster replies --> better.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:36PM}
lol I'll try that

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:36PM}
idk, I don't know what she'd do.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:36PM}
I know what she wouldn't do, she wouldn't laugh at you.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:36PM}
She's not super into the spiritual stuff, but she doesn't need to be, she's very well grounded. And not from a "earth perspective" but from a "causing more harm" perspective.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:37PM}
I'll see if I can't find some alien past lives. I haven't gone further then a few hundred years back.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:37PM}
Yeah, I kinda already figured that about her.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:37PM}
See?

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:37PM}
I was on a meditation discord ... I got banned.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:37PM}
then I was on a borderline discord ... I got banned.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:37PM}
I joined a few cults, those were boring.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:38PM}
I'm doing pro-bono therapy on the side (as the therapist without a license) with a few people.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:38PM}
so I'm mostly in DMs now. Therapy three times a week.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:38PM}
Oh, I think I own a majority of the Theravada canon now.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:38PM}
> I'll see if I can't find some alien past lives. I haven't gone further then a few hundred years back.    
I mean, we all come from somewhere 🤷‍♀️   
I guess sometimes you find mysticism and sometimes mysticism finds you. My path seems to be the latter lmao

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:39PM}
Well, I'm relieved you connected with something outside of "I'm an atheist, this is all there is, goodbye"

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:39PM}
Because if this is *it,* man ... just ... wow.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:40PM}
and I don't mean it from the absolute perspective, I mean it from the "I'm one person, this is my one lifetime, and I have all this misery"

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:45PM}
Yeah. It's wild because I've remembered a small but non-trivial amount of stuff from before I was born, and thought that was normal until I had a really uncomfortable conversation with my Sunday school teacher and wound up burying it. But now that I'm remembering more, I remember being fascinated by the concept of atheism. I guess I'd never encountered that before, and actually remember purposefully choosing that path for my pre-awakening life.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:45PM}
Sorry, I'm typing too much at once again lmao

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:46PM}
that's a good amount to stop at I appreciate it.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:46PM}
ad/hd means you have to pick things to reply to, so that's OK. That was a good one to reply to.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:47PM}
Atheism is pretty fascinating as a belief system. A whole universe of stuff ... "just me"

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:47PM}
Kalpas (the buddhist word for eon, an expansion and contraction of the universe) "just this 30 or 40 years"

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:48PM}
> In another simple explanation, there are four different lengths of kalpas. A regular kalpa is approximately 16 million years long (16,798,000 years[1]), and a small kalpa is 1000 regular kalpas, or about 16 billion years. Further, a medium kalpa is roughly 320 billion years, the equivalent of 20 small kalpas. A great kalpa is 4 medium kalpas, or around 1.28 trillion years.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:49PM}
Oh, you chose, did you get what you wanted?

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 05:49PM}
> Atheism is pretty fascinating as a belief system. A whole universe of stuff ... "just me"   
Being where I am now, I see atheism as a very specific reaction to fundamentalist religion, and not something that would really naturally arise without some catalyst. But back then, it just seemed like the obvious default belief system.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 06:00PM}
the default system is connection -- the form the connection takes is pretty varied.

!lbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 06:01PM}
I'll be around Rachael, I'm glad you are talking to me!!

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 06:01PM}
> Oh, you chose, did you get what you wanted?   
This is proving to be a surprisingly difficult question, and I feel I need to deconstruct it.   
As I remember it, I, along with a couple other... spirits, entities, gods, my guides, I honestly don't know yet... basically went over the plan for this incarnation. There seemed to be aspects that were chosen by me, and aspects that were chosen for me. But I do remember being fascinated by atheism and that was weaved in, so to speak.   
Did I get what I wanted? I suppose so, in the sense that I gained a new experience. It was rougher than I expected though. I remember admiring how atheists took such a strong stance toward the injustice of the church that they'd rather just not believe or practice anything. But it's honestly a pretty soul-crushing life, no pun intended.

!rbubble {Monday, February 28 2022 06:02PM}
> I'll be around Rachael, I'm glad you are talking to me!!   
Thanks for listening!

!lbubble {Tuesday, March 01 2022 11:10AM}
Do I get any attribution to your spiritual awakening?

!lbubble {Tuesday, March 01 2022 11:10AM}
I’m trying to be mindful of cause and effect.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 01:40PM}
how have things been since figuring this stuff out?

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 01:40PM}
you get access to powers?

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:50PM}
Sorry Percy, I seem to have missed a lot of discord messages from a lot of folks.   
> Do I get any attribution to your spiritual awakening?   
Lol, I'm not sure what that means really. You were one of the folks I met along the path, and I don't think that was an accident.   
I remember being at your apartment with Stephanie a few years ago when you were doing magick things on the balcony, and you low-key scoffed at me for being an atheist. Which I don't think had happened to me before, and I think it's what I needed at that point. For someone to evangelize mysticism a bit. We kept talking inside after Stephanie left, and I remember at one point you said "You want to know the truth about UFOs, Rachael?!" To which I replied "I fell down that rabbit hole in 2016 and I don't want to talk about it." Which was true; I had a near-awakening in 2016 and figured out I wasn't from around here, but went into hella fucking denial about it and decided I'd just been smoking way too much weed. I re-hatched basically right after that and started HRT a few months later.   
The last time I saw you at Samantha's house, I was *really* early in my awakening, to the point I didn't understand what was happening to me yet. Occult shit came up in conversation, and you and Stacey passed some rocks around the table. So for a while I was thinking "Dammit, Stacey and Persephone made me hold some rocks and now the universe is unraveling!"   
I'm realizing that several people I met along the way knew I wasn't from here, particularly other reincarnated space aliens, and they've basically been waiting for me to figure it out and remember them. I kinda just assumed you were one of those people. You do seem to have played your part though, whether or not you meant to.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:52PM}
Oh, good, sms still works.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:52PM}
Always Persephone!!!

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:52PM}
My discord name is this way because of fliers around town still ... that I mean to take down.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:55PM}
> how have things been since figuring this stuff out?   
Lol, I feel like I'm just coming back to reality.   
> you get access to powers?   
Well, none that I know of yet. I don't know that remembering shit from before you were born is a power, or having very accurate prophetic visions come true is a power. It seems my thing is building communities, or communes for lack of a better word, which is cool but not really a superpower.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:55PM}
> Always Persephone!!!   
Sorry Persephone

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:56PM}
what do you think? those are standard things?

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:56PM}
> having very accurate prophetic visions come true is a power   
Still got some denial to work through I see.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:57PM}
Okay, well it seems those are my powers thus far 🤷‍♀️

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:57PM}
it's how I clock people for how far they are on path.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:57PM}
how much stuff they have mastery over.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 02:57PM}
especially the veil.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:02PM}
I know how I'm gonna die. I get taken out by a sniper. We're in a parade or motorcade going through a city. The sniper's up in a building. He's just some scared kid, brainwashed by religion and propaganda. Destined to make a martyr of me or some shit. I've seen it from both our perspectives. I can't even be mad, and I won't be around to say I told you so. Unless ghost-Rachael makes her rounds and goes nana-nana-boo-boo.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:04PM}
holy shit.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:04PM}
really?

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:04PM}
Well, I suppose I could be wrong

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:14PM}
Well, I'm gonna copy the above into my diary.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:15PM}
Not the sniper stuff, which is cool, but the awakening stuff, which I take a measure of pride in.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:27PM}
Go for it!   
Sorry if that was too dark. I'm at peace with it. Everyone dies, I came here to help, and I'm likely to be more helpful as a martyr than dying of old age. Though I suppose this is all a bit pretentious if I haven't found my intuition's noise floor yet.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:27PM}
Oh, I'd put space-alien into the same realm as ||trap|| it's an earther's way of seeing `others`.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:27PM}
I love the early conceit and pretentious part of path, treasure it.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:27PM}
Lol I've kinda just been saying that ironically

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:27PM}
universe has billions of stars, only earth has life on it tho /s

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
what's the un-ironic way?

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
Fuck, I don't know

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
o0o0o0o, on a journey of healing now.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
I have a few lifetimes as aquatic life.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
here on Earth.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
I miss those times.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:28PM}
Simpler.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:29PM}
Yeah, I know you were a dolphin at one point

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:29PM}
Yeah, it was nice.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:29PM}
I guess it depends how strong into the identity you are.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 03:29PM}
If you are a tourist or a visitor, vs a prisoner.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 05:43PM}
But meditation practice tho?

Followed shortly after by

!lbubbleis Kristina

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 10:23PM}
Hey, word of warning, my ex is probably going to attempt to date you.  She asked for my permission today.  Lol

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 10:38PM}
Fuck, thanks for the warning 😅

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 02 2022 10:38PM}
You're welcome!

---

I thought the Freemasons were going to show up to my house and take me to an initiation ceremony. These messages showed up in my head that I was supposed to get in the car with Terry and Tommy, who wouldn't be able to say anything. They'd ask me some questions, I guess to prove that the things in my head were genuine, and at the end I was supposed to curtsy.

A week or so later, a very loud message in my head told me to **bow, not curtsy**. I guess that first part was a joke?

!lbubbleis Tommy

!lbubble {Monday, March 07 2022 08:31PM}
Hey Ethan...I hope you are well. When are you free?

!rbubble {Tuesday, March 08 2022 06:19PM}
How about this Saturday?

!lbubble {Tuesday, March 08 2022 06:32PM}
That works!


Though I was optimistic this was a sign we were about to do "the thing", this would actually be the last time I'd get anything out of Tommy for over two months.

Somewhere in the midst of this, I grew utterly convinced that Terry commissioned Josh's artist-mother to paint a portrait of me practicing my curtsy in my room; something these people were ostensibly able to remotely view through occult means, despite the physical isolation.

!lbubbleis Josh

!rbubble {Tuesday, March 08 2022 06:17PM}
![](img/curtsy.jpg)

!rbubble {Tuesday, March 08 2022 06:17PM}
Hey, did Terry get your mom to paint something that looks like this?

!lbubble {Tuesday, March 08 2022 11:30PM}
Hmm idk anything about that

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 10:01AM}
Did you want me to ask her?

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 05:01PM}
![](img/snek.jpg)

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 05:01PM}
Lol you already did and I'm sure she's very curious about the rainbow-colored thing behind the chair. It's a reversible sequin snek!

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 05:02PM}
I understand that you have to play dumb. I anticipate being presented with the painting at a ceremony on Saturday, at which point I'll try and re-create the picture while holding it.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:40PM}
Hey lol I really don't know what you're talking about. I called my mom and she's not painting you right now lol. I have no idea what's going on.

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:47PM}
Lol how's New York?

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:48PM}
??

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:51PM}
I thought you got tickets to the ACC tournament, that's at the Barclays center right?

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:52PM}
I went to the women's one last week in Greensboro

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:52PM}
Oh nvm

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:52PM}
Lol I'm lost

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:54PM}
Are you in New York? A   
Is your surgery soon?

!rbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:55PM}
No lol. I actually don't have a surgery date yet.

!lbubble {Wednesday, March 09 2022 09:55PM}
Ok


I told Kristina around the middle of March. She was outwardly supportive; but, I could also tell she was a little skeptical, and would want to see the receipts sooner rather than later.

Things were starting to feel a little hit-and-miss. My therapist, Doris, and Persephone made me feel like I was on the right track. I was initially thrown off by Persephone saying she "didn't know much about Freemasonry" in our Discord conversation; but this seemed to mimic the Freemason's "Simon says" rules I'd been exposed to over the years, yet failed to retain accurately. After Josh appeared ignorant in this last conversation, I briefly held strong in the belief that this would all clear up over the next few weeks.

My capacity to get any work done had only gotten worse since last year's pre-UFO problems. Somewhere in here, I briefly started taking my ADHD medication again, after having not taken it for around nine months.

### She thought she read minds, she was not right (Q2)

Somewhere around the winter or early spring, the Red Hot Chili Peppers connection took a *turn*. Where I previously thought it was just some sort of an in-joke that Anthony Kiedis was one of the different people or something, I grew convinced there was some personal connection. I thought I remembered visiting Tony, who I was now on a first name basis with, in April of 1990 as an unborn spirit or something. I thought there was going to be some kind of a special SNL where I'd be in the audience. I was to catch a flight, meet the chauffeur, and then meet "Tony"; all based on intuition and these messages that were showing up in my head. Or... something.

I started getting all this weird stuff in my head about how I actually had a future with Anthony Kiedis; someone I've never exactly fantasized about or been attracted to.

I still believed I was *generally* on the right track, but I desperately needed a sort of help that seemed to keep eluding me. I hoped Stephanie would know more, but she didn't. Then, I couldn't get Heather's attention through our mutual friend. Persephone made me feel better, but had little practical advice. And, *that's* what I needed. Practical, concrete *advice*. What is it I'm actually supposed to be *doing*?

Frustrated that Tommy kept blowing off my attempts to meet with him, I eventually just went for it in a message he never responded to.

!lbubbleis Tommy

!rbubble {Sunday, April 03 2022 12:00PM}
Alright you crazy old man. I think I'm from the Pleiades, I think you are too, and I think you, Terry and the Stewart's know something about it.

Although it didn't strike me as problematic *at the time*, it was probably somewhere around here when Vickie and I started losing each other. The problem with me is, I have a *really* hard time with disclosure. I need to really think about telling someone before I tell someone. There are reasons for this.

> So I say to myself I gotta find this guy, I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail **IN** the guy's goddamn hands otherwise he's never gonna get it he's gonna keep coming back down here

At some point, the rate of information flooding into my brain began exceeding the rate at which I could comfortably relate the information to people in my support network, like Stephanie and my therapist. Vickie was still talking about the "big shift", when I was already twenty steps ahead of that. I was painfully aware of how much the new stuff in my head about Anthony Kiedis looked like classic delusions of reference; and I didn't want to scare off Stephanie, or make my therapist jump to conclusions.

---

I kept waiting, weekend after weekend, for the Freemasons to show up and take me away. Somehow I kept moving the goalpost. It feels utterly ridiculous *now*.

During a Sunday chat with Susan, I brought up the Warren, Ohio connection with my mom, just to test my memory and make sure I hadn't lost it. I mean, that *is* pretty crazy, right?

> Tommy was born in Warren too, right?

> That's right! Tommy was born in Warren, Ohio; and so was Dave Grohl!

Oh, yeah! I forgot about Dave Grohl! That's probably just a coincidence.

Wait, what's his band called again? The fucking *Foo Fighters*?

God. Dammit.

In a desperate attempt to reach out to another "UFO kid", I sent a letter to Heather's last known address; as well as the Grand Lodge of Ancient, Free and Accepted Masons of North Carolina. I forget what all I put in there, but I *know* it didn't make much sense. I'll spoil the surprise now by telling you I never got back any sort of response from either.

I was convinced I'd somehow roused the suspicion of my mail-person, and left *them* a weird goddamn note. I got a weird response back about how someone else was running the route and to enjoy my trip; a reference to my weird visions about being in the audience for SNL.

Near the end of the month, I had in my mind what felt like the equivalent of Morpheus telling me to jump off the ledge of the building.

> Send a letter to your closest friends and family. Deadline, this Friday (or something).

!embed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDbsbOLj2Q&t=10s

I fucking did it. I sent weird handwritten letters to Josh and my mother, with similar content but a customized cover letter. On, like, the last Friday in April or something; barely meeting this imposing, ostensibly very serious deadline. With all that weird shit, including my anticipated assassination at 12:26pm on whatever day.

So, what happened?

---

!lbubbleis Josh

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:09AM}
Hey Rachael, me and Caroline got engaged yesterday! Just wanted to share the news.

!rbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:51AM}
Oh awesome, congrats!

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:51AM}
Thanks! 😊

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:15PM}
Ok I got back to Durham tonight and got your letter. Can you send me a picture of the original painting?

!rbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:23PM}
They still haven't given it to me yet, those crazy old men are giving me blue balls lmao

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:24PM}
Rachael, you have to believe me, I don't know anything about any of this. But I would like to hear more!

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:24PM}
How do you know she painted a painting 10 years ago if you haven't seen it yet? A vision?

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:25PM}
My mom didn't know you were trans 10 years ago. We were in college.

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:25PM}
Can you go through what you know and what evidence you have with me?

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:33PM}
You can come over to my house if you want to talk.

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 10:38PM}
Am I from the Pleiades?

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 10:51PM}
I really wish you would talk to me

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 03 2022 02:37PM}
Please talk to me before I leave for Vegas tonight.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 03 2022 02:53PM}
I promise I won't tell anyone anything unless you want me to. I care a lot about you and I really want to hear about all the stuff you mentioned in the letter.


The SMS thread with my mother during the same timespan was considerably more spartan.

!lbubbleis Susan

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 01:57PM}
So, any advice on upgrading to an iPhone? Also, please come 🙏 home for Mother's Day and my birthday. It may be my last. I crave time with you.

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 01:57PM}
And we won't mention the thing.

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 05:20PM}
[Resized_Screenshot_20220502-171944_Facebook.jpeg image/jpeg]

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 08:53PM}
I love you, and I will never stop loving you.

!lbubble {Monday, May 02 2022 09:48PM}
The Supreme Court is set to overturn Roe vs. Wade. I don't recognize this country.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 03 2022 05:19PM}
Hey, any advice on an iPhone?

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 03 2022 06:29PM}
Sorry, I don't really have any advice. I think you'd be happy with any late model iPhone.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 03 2022 09:49PM}
Thank you. I love you to the moon and back.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 03 2022 10:03PM}
Love you too!

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 04 2022 05:56PM}
[Resized_20220504_175101.jpeg image/jpeg] Happy Star Wars Day from my favorite lovey!

!rbubble {Wednesday, May 04 2022 06:02PM}
Happy May the Fourth to you too!

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 04 2022 08:53PM}
I love you!

!rbubble {Wednesday, May 04 2022 09:04PM}
Love you too!

!lbubble {Thursday, May 05 2022 08:20PM}
I love you! What do you think about this weekend?

!lbubble {Thursday, May 05 2022 08:20PM}
I'm sending you ALL the love!

!lbubble {Thursday, May 05 2022 08:29PM}
No pressure! Love you!

!rbubble {Thursday, May 05 2022 09:39PM}
We'll talk soon, I love you!

!lbubble {Friday, May 06 2022 08:57PM}
I love you to the moon and back!

!rbubble {Friday, May 06 2022 09:29PM}
I love you, and I want to talk to you tomorrow!

!lbubble {Saturday, May 07 2022 01:39PM}
I got your card, and I LOVE it! And you! Thank you, love!


By this point, I had a feeling that I can only imagine is akin to that of a bomb tech after they pull the plunger and nothing happens. I felt I needed to defuse this situation, *very carefully*.


!rbubble {Saturday, May 07 2022 02:24PM}
Hey there! I have questions about where I'm from that are very different from anything we've talked about before. I'd like to talk about them for a few minutes. It's nothing bad, I just ask that you keep an open mind.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 07 2022 02:25PM}
Okay, sure.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 07 2022 02:26PM}
Just a second. I have to use the bathroom.

!rbubble {Saturday, May 07 2022 02:27PM}
I can call you when you're ready, unless you'd rather wait. Either is fine.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 07 2022 02:33PM}
Okay, I'm ready.


I attempted to ask, while making it sound like the most boring, banal thing *ever*, if anyone had talked to her recently about Freemasons or reincarnation or anything. I honestly can't remember if I mentioned UFOs or not.

Unsurprisingly, Susan didn't seem to know anything about what was going on. Already assuming that would be the case, I attempted to find a way to get in touch with Jody; as I had since ascertained she was from Vega, as well as being one of the people who surrounded me after Tommy's weird sermon.

In retrospect, it seemed like we were *both* dismantling a bomb. Susan said she'd talk to Jody, but she never did. My letter to her had apparently gotten lost in the mail.

The weirdest part might be how Susan just kept going through the motions in our already hollow relationship.


!rbubble {Sunday, May 08 2022 09:58PM}
I love you!

!lbubble {Sunday, May 08 2022 10:48PM}
I love you, too!

!lbubble {Monday, May 09 2022 09:13PM}
[Resized_Resized_20220509_130839.jpeg image/jpeg] Thinking about the one on the right, the 13. I love you so much!

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 10 2022 07:49PM}
I got your letter. Love you!


It turned out that, in my addled state, I used the wrong zip code.


!lbubble {Tuesday, May 10 2022 09:49PM}
I love you to the moon and back times infinity!

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 10 2022 10:01PM}
I love you too!

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 11 2022 08:55PM}
I'm so tired!

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 11 2022 08:55PM}
But I love you!

!rbubble {Wednesday, May 11 2022 09:50PM}
Love you too!

!lbubble {Thursday, May 12 2022 09:08PM}
I love you so much!

!rbubble {Thursday, May 12 2022 10:44PM}
Love you too!


It was at this point that Josh gave me a chance to catch up and take my mind off things for a while.


!lbubbleis Josh

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 11 2022 02:26PM}
The Get The Led Out concert is tomorrow. You're still welcome to come

!rbubble {Wednesday, May 11 2022 02:42PM}
Oh cool, I might!

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 11 2022 02:44PM}
🙂

!rbubble {Thursday, May 12 2022 04:15PM}
You want me to go to your house after work?

!lbubble {Thursday, May 12 2022 04:52PM}
Sure. The concert is at 8

!rbubble {Thursday, May 12 2022 04:52PM}
Ok!


I showed up wearing my shirt I'd gotten from the Flying Saucer when I joined the "UFO club" years ago; still hoping to coax something out of him. He had this hurt-ass look on his face when he first saw me. I still thought he might know more than he was letting on at the time, mostly because of his grave expression; but I *really* don't think that's the case anymore.

I tried to explain what had happened and how I ended up at this point in my life; but I struggled to make coherent sense without linking against a vast amount of information that I'm painfully private about. I couldn't explain the Tommy stuff without going back all the way to middle school, I couldn't really explain how I knew Heather and Maureen without explaining I was a kinkster, I couldn't explain how I thought I was the woman from this sermon without talking about the aforementioned trauma bullshit... it was like the fucking Sweater Song. I tried my best, but I could tell Josh was really struggling with the gaps in information I was hesitant to fill in.

We enjoyed the concert, though.

At one point toward the end, I kind of just started crying. He clearly didn't know anything about UFOs; but he made me feel better than *anyone* had up to that point.

---

It was on the eve of Friday the 13th, when I started envisioning something that had happened to me in a past life. It was... Friday the 13th.

!embed https://youtu.be/Ax6cAJgs-lc

Just to reiterate, I don't believe *any* of this anymore. It felt very real *at the time*.

It was revealed to me that, in ancient times long ago, UFO people like me and Heather lived openly among the people. As we began to spook out the Romans, that led to, well... Friday the 13th; a pogrom against us UFO folks, carried out by the then-fledgling Catholic Church, which may as well have been the religious branch of the Roman imperial government.

I remembered living in a village in modern-day France, as I watched them build this prison up on a hill where they were eventually to house us different people upon its completion. As the Romans' objective was to discourage us from incarnating on Earth in the future, they were to torture us over the course of a year or two before killing us off and rounding up the next group of UFO people.

Because of the nature of visions and past life memories, we were all aware of our fate by adolescence. I lived into my late 20s or early 30s before being taken; a (cisgender) man who never married but had, unlike myself, a normal and average sex life. I lived in a small dwelling on a steep hill, that I think was connected to other dwellings in townhouse-like fashion. It was comparable in size to my dorm room at Avent Ferry, maybe a bit smaller. I spoke Latin and was able to write, keeping a journal on a desk. I was surprised by the sophistication given the time period, though formal education appeared to be the norm for "UFO kids", or whatever.

I had actually been someone *else* in a lifetime before this; the Roman senator who arguably caused the deboggle. I ostensibly ran for the Roman senate and won handily on a platform of being a common-sense progressive from the Pleiades[^37]. The establishment found this disruptive and threatening to their power, leading to the aforementioned pogrom.

[^37]: As I'm writing this in the year 2024 in a different state of mind, I want to mention that I don't think the Roman senate was ever a direct democracy in the modern sense; thus poking an obvious hole in this story, if ever it needed another one.

Anyway; I thought I was the Roman senator who caused Friday the 13th, who subsequently *got* Friday the 13th'ed. Extending the story arc further, I was concurrently envisioning that I had a multi-lifetime career in politics; once serving as a well-liked president of my entire homeworld. I would "remember" more about this over the following months.

Most of what I remembered on the eve of Friday the 13th was about the thing itself. They came for us on, well... you know the day. This woman rounded up about half a dozen of us, and we rode up the hill to the prison on this wagon. I remember us being in weirdly high spirits. One of the people on the wagon was apparently the preincarnation of Heather.

We arrived at the prison. I remembered it having an L shaped corridor, and I was placed into I believe the first cell; all of which were on the left side of the hallway. We were housed in individual rooms, about 10' square with a small view and a hole for waste to go, which would roll downhill.

The prison was run by this woman, who I called the "warden chick" in my head. She was not very sadistic, and maybe even a bit childlike. She *did* diligently remove an arm, a leg, an eyeball, and my dick and balls over the course of my stay. Despite this, she was never particularly *mean* to us in terms of her demeanor. It was actually a pretty surreal thing to remember; and not what I would expect my subconscious to come up with.

We were eventually killed off after around 12 to 18 months of this. I remember a higher-up official coming to our prison periodically to check on us; who was later dissatisfied with what he viewed as too kind of treatment. We were the guinea pigs; which seemed to be a good thing in this case. I heard reports that they started cutting people open at another prison.

I was killed by being stabbed in the chest. My friend, the preincarnation of Heather was beheaded. I remembered something peculiar about that moment; despite having grown up with her, I never asked where she was from. This came up during our final words, when the executioner proclaimed that he was about to "send us back to *wherever* we're from".

---

Back to the SMS thread with Susan.

!lbubbleis Susan

!lbubble {Friday, May 13 2022 12:26PM}
I love you!


Hold up; what? That's my number! The exact time I'm supposed to die, or whatever.

Okay; she *has* to know, right? She's at least in on *something*. Sure, she texts "I love you" every day, but it's almost always *at night*. Not precisely at 12:26pm on Friday the 13th, right as I'm dealing with *this fucking shit*.

Alright, you crazy old men. I can take a hint.


!rbubble {Friday, May 13 2022 12:47PM}
I love you too!

!lbubble {Friday, May 13 2022 01:27PM}
Do you know when you might be coming home?

!lbubble {Friday, May 13 2022 07:03PM}
Hey Love, any thoughts on the weekend?

!rbubble {Friday, May 13 2022 07:36PM}
I'll let you know, love you!

!lbubble {Friday, May 13 2022 07:36PM}
Thanks, love you more!


Liam's birthday was today, so I went over there after work to hang out with him and Kristina. I remember trying to make conversation with Kristina and one of her friends that was there, but I was *frazzled* and not good for much of anything. I was somewhere else in my mind.

Continuing on with Susan.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 14 2022 01:41PM}
Are you okay? There was a crash on 40.

!rbubble {Saturday, May 14 2022 01:59PM}
I'm okay.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 14 2022 01:59PM}
Thank God! Miss you!

!lbubble {Saturday, May 14 2022 09:30PM}
I love you and I miss you! It's not the same without you here!

!lbubble {Sunday, May 15 2022 07:28PM}
[Resized_Screenshot_20220515-192726_Facebook.jpeg image/jpeg]

!lbubble {Sunday, May 15 2022 07:28PM}
We celebrated today!


Somewhere around now, likely during our Sunday chat, Susan said she thought I should "get my meds checked". To which I replied something like

> Okay... I can tell I've taken a wrong turn. I'll... talk to my doctor.

I explained that I had stopped taking my ADHD medication, which I foolishly told her I had started a year back. She... *didn't* like this.

> YOU'RE NOT JUST SUPPOSED TO STOP TAKING STUFF, YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR!

And I'm thinking *goddamn*, woman. They're fucking stimulants. I stopped taking them *because* I was worried about what was happening to me. Now she's all freaked out and wants to get doctors involved, and I just want to know how to be a UFO person like Heather and them. How does Heather know how to be a Heather? Why won't anyone teach me how to be a Rachael? GODDAMN IT, TALK TO ME PEOPLE!

!lbubble {Sunday, May 15 2022 09:46PM}
I love you so very much! Get some sleep!


It was now that Susan just *decided to drive up to Durham without notice* to take me to "get my meds checked". My initial response was "Hell no!" We need to slow down. I *haven't* lost insight into how crazy this is. It's *real*. This is *happening*. I've got my therapist, and Persephone, and Doris the Shaman, and I know Heather and Tommy and them can't talk to me yet but... we'll sort this out soon, right?


!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 04:59PM}
Can you call me?

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 05:54PM}
Do you believe I'm from the Pleiades?

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 05:55PM}
I absolutely believe in you! If you believe it, then yes.

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:00PM}
I love you so very much! To Pleiades and back!

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:01PM}
Good enough. I'll meet you somewhere if you tell me where.

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:03PM}
Hold on a minute until I call Tommy and see if he can come.

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:05PM}
Does Tommy believe I'm from the Pleiades?

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:05PM}
I will ask him, love.

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:22PM}
Where do you want to go? I'm still at Food Lion.

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:26PM}
Did you tell Tommy you were coming to Durham?

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:28PM}
Yes. I called him this afternoon from Benson.

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:33PM}
I don't really want to go anywhere in particular, and I currently have no appetite. Did y'all have a plan other than trying to coerce me to the ER?

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:35PM}
No plan. I'm not really hungry, either. You can come pick me up and take me to Barnes and Noble.

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:35PM}
So I can see you.

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:39PM}
Is Tommy coming?

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:39PM}
I don't want to call him this late. Maybe tomorrow.

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:40PM}
Is that okay?

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:42PM}
I mean, I've been in this Food Lion parking lot for 2 hours!

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:47PM}
I'm heading over there, but I am way stressed out and I have hella trust issues right now.

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:48PM}
It's okay. Love you! ❤️

!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 06:54PM}
I'm in a handicapped place.


Goddamn it.

I was firm in my stance that she was no longer allowed in my house, and thus she rented a hotel room nearby. I met her at the Chubby's and we talked for a bit. I was understandably nervous about Susan clawing her way into my healthcare needs.


!lbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 09:51PM}
I love you! I had fun tonight! I'm in the hotel ready for bed!

!rbubble {Monday, May 16 2022 09:54PM}
Love you too!

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 10:58AM}
Good Morning, Love! Let me know if you want to grab lunch! I'm headed to the mall for a minute.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 11:22AM}
I don't know if I'll be able to, but I'll let you know!

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 11:22AM}
Okay! Love you!

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 12:27PM}
Don't forget to vote!

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 12:53PM}
Ok!


After thinking about what was going on, I reached the conclusion that Susan wasn't in town for a med check. She was in town for a "med check". Since she sent the text at exactly 12:26pm on Friday the 13th, she has to know *something*; but she can't talk yet, just like the rest of them. I guess I just have to play along. I actually started getting the impression that I should *go* if someone showed up to my house wanting to take me to get my meds checked.

Susan subsequently "arranged" for us to meet with Tommy. I say that with quotes; because, while Susan essentially forced this meeting to take place, she made it *my* responsibility to arrange a venue and chauffeur her to and from the hotel.


!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 03:06PM}
So, Tommy can join us for dinner.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 03:09PM}
So I need to know where you want to go, for him to meet us.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 03:56PM}
I got your message, I don't know where I want to go.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 03:56PM}
I need to know what to do about Tommy. He's coming from Cary.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 03:57PM}
Well, I need to tell him something.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 03:57PM}
Do you still want him to come?

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:06PM}
I need to know what to tell him.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:08PM}
Geez idk, I'd be fine with Cocoa Cinnamon if everyone just wants coffee, but I guess we could do Ale House if folks want a more substantial meal.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:09PM}
Y'all are scaring me, did no one really have a plan for when I figured out where I'm from?

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:44PM}
I'm sorry. What Cocoa Cinnamon and what time?

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:52PM}
They close earlier than I thought they did, but we can at least start there. Let's try for 6:15 to 6:30 ish, and I'll pick you up.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:52PM}
2013 Chapel Hill Rd Suite A, Durham, NC 27707

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:52PM}
What time do they close?

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:53PM}
They close at 7:30. I'll try to pick you up around 6 if he wants to meet us there.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:53PM}
What time should he be there?

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 04:54PM}
6:15 to 6:30 ish? Let me know if that doesn't work.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 05:21PM}
I'll be downstairs in the lobby. You can pull right up unless there's another car there m

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 05:22PM}
Okay, I'll let you know when I'm on the way.

!rbubble {Tuesday, May 17 2022 05:49PM}
On the way!


I arrived at Cocoa Cinnamon, utterly *overwhelmed* with both excitement and frustration. I could tell Susan was freaked out; despite her own very big emotions, she *really* doesn't like it when *I* get emotional, and frantically tries to pacify me. I just wanted to get to the bottom of what this crazy old man Tommy was trying to tell me all those years ago.

As for *me*, I didn't know what was going on. I was slow to be reassured Susan wasn't somehow in on it on some level, especially after that weird text on Friday the 13th at 12:26pm. If she didn't know what was going on, I assumed Terry or Tommy must've at least put her up to it.

I couldn't contain myself by the time Tommy showed up. I remember greeting him, saying something like

> I don't know if my convictions will have me sent to the masonic lodge or the psych ward; but I think I'm from the Pleiades, and I think you are too you crazy old man!

He dodged my question. And *kept* dodging it. He wouldn't say "No, I'm not from the Pleiades". He wouldn't say "Sorry, I don't understand the question". He'd just say shit like "Let's get drinks first", or just start talking about something *totally different* from my very blunt and direct questions about Freemasons, UFOs, being from other planets...

It was the weirdest fucking thing *ever*. Just say you aren't from the Pleiades and I'll leave you alone. Hell, just tell me I'm not making any sense and I'll go away. But goddamn it dude, why do you have to be such a goddamn *sketchball*?

What. The. Fuck.

I left feeling like I must be right about *something*; because if I was wrong he would've just *told* me. I'm clearly being strung along. For what purpose I haven't got a clue; but, I'm starting to get the feeling it has to do with that little thing I caused in a past life called Friday the 13th.

---

On what might've been the very next day, I was listening to music in my room. I was a little faded, when I slid off my headphones after a music break and heard a loud banging at the door.

> ***(knock knock knock)***   
> **DURHAM POLICE DEPARTMENT**   
> ***(knock knock knock)***   

So I panic, and think about what to do with the Volcano and the half ounce on my dresser. I couldn't hear the police *at all* with my headphones on. For all I knew, they'd been there for the last twenty minutes announcing they had a search warrant.

After quickly trying to channel the Pot Brothers at Law, I decided I should step outside and talk to them; but, I was planning to be real careful and lock the door behind me. Nobody gets in without a warrant.

> We're here to take you to get your meds checked...

God. *Dammit*.

Okay, sure. I'll go without any trouble. I was wearing my pajamas, and they offered to let me go back in and change. I probably needed my ID, too.

After carefully unlocking the door to do the aforementioned things, this *son of a bitch* wedges his foot in. Now I have warrantless cops in my house despite my best efforts.

Goddammit, I fucking hate cops. Pieces of shit.

They offered to follow me upstairs to where I'd been smoking pot so that I could change and get ready. No.

I put on a pair of jeans that were laying out downstairs as the cops kept the door wide open. Pieces of shit. I know it's their little bad boy protocol, but I fucking hate cops. I wish they'd just leave people like me alone. They've done nothing but fuck with me while I try to survive in this crazy world and mind my own goddamn business my whole life. They exist for the comfort of normal people, and they don't give a *fuck* about people like me. Goddamn it, I fucking hate cops.

I left braless and sockless with a cardigan over my frumpy tank top. The cops asked me uncomfortable questions as they drove me to Duke Regional.

> Your mom says you won't let her in your house.

> My mother is presumed to have borderline personality disorder, I have reason to believe she's been snooping around my house without my permission while I'm away, and I've told her she isn't welcome because of it.

> What's this about you having an altar? #TODO Backfill

> My spiritual beliefs are none of your concern.

He apparently wanted to make sure I wasn't... sacrificing animals, or something.

We waited at Duke for some amount of time before I was handed off to the hospital staff. The police were respectful overall, but *goddamn it, I fucking hate cops*.

And yet, with everything in the news I have little to complain about.

They asked for my side of the story, and I gave them my elevator speech. Mom presumed to have a personality disorder, I'm dealing with trauma and things, she's not taking it well...

They got me into a gown and put me in a safe little room with the few belongings I had taken away from me, before they asked the big question.

> So, what's this about you thinking you're an alien?

I took a deep breath, and tried to explain what was happening in the most collected, logical way I could muster.

> So, I know this sounds really weird, but I'm just different in a way that Freemasons know about. I know I'm not physically an alien; it isn't like that. You can call the Grand Lodge of North Carolina, give them my name, tell them I sent you and they'll explain everything.

I might be over-extending myself with that last part; but I've just got to keep my confidence up at this point. I don't know where else to send them. Doris the shaman?

I was there for close to eight hours. Initially, they seemed bent on figuring out what crazy drugs I was on before seemingly deciding I wasn't worth their time. For example, they had me pee in a cup, but hadn't collected the sample by the time I left. They took my blood, and gave me a potassium supplement because it was apparently low. I remember thinking, "I take 200mg of spironolactone a day, isn't that like, contraindicated or something?" Judging by the gown I was wearing I was in no position to argue with anyone; and the nurse waited for me to swallow the pill like I was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest. I figured one potassium supplement wouldn't kill me.

I laid on the hospital bed most of the time, not watching the Hallmark Channel. The woman I saw first, who seemed to be an MD, at least *appeared* to take my request to contact the Freemasons seriously. Several hours into my stay, another woman with the air of a psychologist came in; who seemed to not have communicated with the first doctor. I could see in her eyes that she didn't believe a single word I said. After we talked, I didn't think I was going home that night.

Toward the end, they brought in a cordless phone for me to talk to my therapist. I hadn't told her about the letters yet; the gap between what was going on with me and what I had shared with my therapist was at least that wide.

Eventually, they just let me go without explanation. I was given meaningless discharge paperwork about following up on my condition. I left my cell phone upstairs when the cops came into my house, so my only way back was to use the phone in the lobby to call a taxi. Fortunately I had the cash in my purse.

If there was ever a date to put on the death certificate for my mother and I's relationship, it was this one. I was just... not going to talk to this person anymore; at least not until I got some kind of an explanation as to what happened.

*So many* mixed signals. My head's spinning. Tommy's acting suspiciously weird, and dodges my *now very direct* questions about whether he's "from the Pleiades". Susan sends me an obvious "wink and nudge" text at 12:26pm on Friday the 13th, then has me locked in the psych ward days later. *What is happening?!*

I reached back out to Persephone, hoping she'd make me feel better. That did not happen.

!lbubbleis Persephone

!rbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 10:52AM}
So, my mom got me involuntarily committed yesterday by calling the Durham PD and telling them I thought I was an alien. I had to tell two doctors at Duke Regional to contact the grand lodge for a debriefing.   
I've had a lot going on with me, so I apologize for being slow at Discord. Like that last message I dodged. I can't say I've gotten any play time in lately. Anyway, how've you been?

!lbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 11:08AM}
Well mom isn’t going to get a lot of trust ever again.

!lbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 11:08AM}
“Grand lodge”?

!rbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 11:28AM}
> Well mom isn’t going to get a lot of trust ever again.   
Yeah. The silver lining is, I think this might be the push I need to finally cut that bitch out of my life, temporarily or permanently. I'm not here for that shit!   
> “Grand lodge”?   
Yeah, don't forget to tell me how little you know about those guys 😉

!lbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 01:34PM}
I know very little.

---

> So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? **WHAT DO I FIND OUT?!** There **is** no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay?

Somebody, I think the psych doctor after we first talked, took the liberty of filing FMLA paperwork for me without asking; which she didn't care to un-file. I was greeted with multiple Slack messages about this the next day.

I figured I'd just tell them it was a mix-up and to cancel the paperwork. HR wanted to get me on Zoom anyway for some reason, and it turned out that because an FMLA request had been filed I wasn't even *supposed to be at work* until I had a doctor sign some form.

God. *Dammit*. I fucking hate a lot of people right now.

Serendipitously, I already had a routine doctor's appointment scheduled *the very next day*. So, I figured I'd just take this goofy form to Dr. Reid tomorrow, and hopefully she won't ask a lot of questions about it.

As soon as she heard I'd been in the hospital, she said "hold on, let me look it up". Ugh...

She kept typing away, failing to find it after a couple of minutes. She asked me to explain what happened. Okay. I kept it as vague as possible. I was accidentally involuntarily committed to the psych ward because my mom's an asshole, and I just need you to sign this thing so I can go back to work.

> Oh, if the cops were involved it's in a different database. Let me look it up there...

Ugh.

> "Found it."

God. Dammit.

She spent an awkward minute reading *whatever was on the screen*, before simply asking me to explain what happened in my own words. I eventually had to explain that my mom told the cops "I thought I was an alien", and that it really was just related to this spiritual awakening thing, and ugh... She said something about how she doesn't judge her patient's spiritual inclinations, and eventually signed my thing.

> So, how are you doing with your medication?

> Uh, well... I haven't been taking the Concerta; but my HRT seems fine.

> That's fine. So... I want to try taking your spironolactone down to 100mg a day.

> Okay, that's cool. I don't have *bad* side effects from it, but the low sodium problems *can* get annoying.

I know down-regulation is a thing, and you often don't need as high a dose after a couple of years. It's pretty common for us to tweak my estrogen dose up and down, but we'd never tried halving my spiro. I was curious to see how I'd do.

---

Unsurprisingly, Vickie wanted to talk to me. I was understandably freaked out that I had taken a very wrong turn. I didn't know what else to make of my situation.

During that session, we both came to the conclusion that I should sign a release for Vickie to talk to Tommy. I couldn't get anything out of the guy; but clearly, *something's* going on, because he won't just fucking *tell me* he isn't from the Pleiades.

That's what I kept telling myself. Just say "I'm not from the Pleiades", you crazy old man. *He wouldn't fucking do it.* But, he wouldn't say he *was* either. Ugh!

Somehow, I had no trouble getting a straight answer out of him *this time*.

!lbubbleis Tommy

!rbubble {Wednesday, May 25 2022 10:09AM}
You may find this question odd, but would you be willing to talk one-on-one with my therapist?

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 25 2022 10:10AM}
Yes; I would.

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 25 2022 10:20AM}
And also I would keep this confidential. In other words I would not share this with your mother.

!rbubble {Thursday, May 26 2022 07:55AM}
Thanks, that means a lot! Her name is Vickie Carter, and I'll pass your number on to her.

!lbubble {Thursday, May 26 2022 08:02AM}
Liked “Thanks, that means a lot! Her name is Vickie Carter, and I'll pass your number on to her.”

---

Susan kept texting me. I stopped doing any video calls with her or really interacting with her; though out of sheer concern that she'd continue using the police to harass me with "wellness checks", I did start sending her a very basic "I'm alive" text once a week so she wouldn't have a fucking excuse.

!lbubbleis Susan

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 18 2022 08:40PM}
I'm sorry I has to leave Durham so fast. My friends came and got me because they were worried about me. Just like I worry about you, my love.

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 18 2022 09:44PM}
I love you to the 🌙 and back!

!lbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 07:53PM}
I love you, my darling!

!lbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 07:53PM}
Truly!

!lbubble {Thursday, May 19 2022 09:35PM}
I love you so much, and I'm truly sorry for everything. I'm so weary from being in fight or flight mode for weeks. I love you, and I will never stop fighting for your best life.

!lbubble {Friday, May 20 2022 03:50PM}
I'll try to summon the courage to write you an email this weekend. I love you so much. My door is always open.

!lbubble {Friday, May 20 2022 09:38PM}
I love you more than life itself.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 21 2022 08:51PM}
I love you so much, and my guilt is immeasurable. Nothing happened as planned. You are my darling daughter, blood of my blood, forever. ❤

!rbubble {Sunday, May 22 2022 07:05PM}
Not tonight.

!lbubble {Sunday, May 22 2022 07:06PM}
Okay. I hope soon. My guilt is incalculable and haunting. I love you and support you forever.

!lbubble {Sunday, May 22 2022 07:08PM}
I want to explain when your ready. No excuses. I was terrified. TERRIFIED.

!lbubble {Sunday, May 22 2022 08:51PM}
I love you the MOST.

!lbubble {Monday, May 23 2022 08:59PM}
I love you!

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 24 2022 09:01PM}
I heard Fire and again on the way home, and it nearly broke me. I love you forever and ever, amen. I will fight for you, always.

!lbubble {Wednesday, May 25 2022 09:16PM}
I love you so much. My heart hurts. Please, let's talk soon. I'm so sorry. I acted out of sheer terror, and a mother's love. I love you.

!lbubble {Thursday, May 26 2022 02:13PM}
Fwd:I think about you all day. I love you. Be safe.

!lbubble {Thursday, May 26 2022 10:06PM}
Brayden has COVID. I hope I don't get it. I love you!

!lbubble {Friday, May 27 2022 08:24PM}
I'm sorrier than at any time in my life. I love you.

!lbubble {Saturday, May 28 2022 05:35PM}
Can we talk soon? I'm bereft without you.

!rbubble {Sunday, May 29 2022 06:21PM}
Hey there, I'm still not ready to talk, but I wanted to let you know I'm okay and I love you.

!lbubble {Sunday, May 29 2022 06:23PM}
Oh, my darling! I have cried all day! Thank you for loving your old mom! I love you forever and ever!

!lbubble {Sunday, May 29 2022 06:27PM}
I'm okay, too. Brayden had COVID, but I haven't gotten it. Probably because I had my booster in early April.

!lbubble {Monday, May 30 2022 09:21PM}
I love you forever and ever! To infinity and beyond.

!lbubble {Tuesday, May 31 2022 09:28PM}
I love you to the moon and back!


The first part of the thread is incredibly vague. She appeared to be apologizing for something she felt immeasurably guilty for; yet, to this day I'm *still* not sure what that was, exactly.

As much as I hate to say it, if I was talking obvious nonsense, a visit to the psych ward *may've* been in order. For all I know, her actions were perfectly justifiable given what she knew.

The other side of this is, if I'm talking nonsense why won't someone just fucking *tell me*? Everyone's being really sketchy and dodging my questions, like they can't talk yet, or like I'm not doing the Freemason "Simon says" handshake protocols the right way.

It's like I'm hitting some kind of a `block in all` firewall rule with them, and they're never going to send me a NACK, or an ICMP error, or anything that'll tell me there's a problem. It's like these Freemason people are some kind of black hole; and much like a black hole, I can surmise the existence of something massive yet invisible by observing the chaotic orbits of all of my friends and family as I get closer to *whatever it is*.

---

During this period of limbo, I showed up to the one-on-one with my boss, with Paul's Zoom avatar changed to a very "realistic" plastic figure of a shark person. He kept this picture for the stand-up later that day with Josh and I[^39], before changing it back. He's never done this before or since.

[^39]: Russell must not've been there

![Dated June 9th, 2022](img/boss-alien.jpg "Paul Young with alien mannequin")

I took this to be yet another wink and a nudge about *something*. I didn't know if it meant Paul knew what was going on and wanted *me* to know; or if he was subtly asking *me* for more information. Shit just keeps getting weirder and *weirder*, man.

---

Suspense built as I waited a couple of weeks for the meeting between Vickie and Tommy to transpire. I had prepared myself to learn Tommy wasn't really from the Pleiades. I was expecting to have to go back to the drawing board to sort all of this out.

Somehow, what happened in this session still managed to shock and utterly *baffle* me.

> So, I talked to Tommy...

Oh, good!

> Tommy isn't from Warren, Ohio. He was born in Cary.

> He isn't from the Pleiades. He isn't a Freemason, and he doesn't know anything about Freemasonry.

> He *does* want to be part of your life if you do. You need to think about what kind of relationship you'd want to have going forward.

Then, there was the final blow.

She client-patient broke up with me.

She suggested I seek substance abuse counselling, as well as *dialectical behavioral therapy*; a methodology for helping people with personality disorders and severe trauma regulate their powerful emotions, which Vickie remarked multiple times throughout the last couple of years I needed the *opposite* of[^38]. She offered to text me a list of resources for that, which I never followed up on.

[^38]: It came up a lot with Persephone being in DBT for her BPD, and with me discovering my mom had cluster B personality traits.

!lbubbleis Vickie

!lbubble {Wednesday, June 15 2022 10:07AM}
Hi Rachael. Here are some substance abuse and DBT resources:   
The SA resources all have emergency, inpatient and outpatient treatment.   
(...)   
I hope this is helpful...


If Vickie had just said Tommy "wasn't from the Pleiades", I would've believed her. I would've gone back to the drawing board. Just like I planned.

I was *not* prepared to hear Tommy wasn't from Warren, Ohio. That's basic, autobiographical information about the guy. I've heard it throughout my life. I had confirmed it several times over the past year. Tommy may not be from the Pleiades, and he may not even be a Freemason; but he's *definitely* from Warren, Ohio.

The idea of Tommy being from Cary was *particularly* unbelievable, because he's a *Methodist* preacher. The United Methodist church has an *extensive* tradition of travelling preachers. This concept has settled down considerably since the circuit preachers of the 19th century, but it's *still* a defining feature of Methodism. The bishop or deacon or whatever he's called, will just *move* preachers to a different church every few years, with little to no input from the preachers themselves on where they're to go next. I had *several* different preachers growing up; none of which had any ties to Elizabethtown. The idea of a Methodist preacher actually getting to preach in their hometown is... *unusual*, to say the least.

The suggestion that I pursue dialectical behavioral therapy was equally sketchy. I'd joked lately that I didn't want *any* cluster B personality traits, and would go to DBT *without question* if anybody ever told me I needed that. Under more reasonable circumstances, I *would have*.

As absolutely *crazy* as it seemed, I could only reach one logical conclusion from the day's events.

My therapist... *lied* to me.

And I thought, "That's *illegal*, right? A therapist can't just... *lie* to you..."

> So I decided *aww, shit buddy* I gotta did a little deeper, there's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me I got **BOXES** full of Pepe

This hastened my withdrawal from public life. Stephanie was still supportive, but I could already tell I was starting to lose her. With this latest development... I just *couldn't* tell anyone I didn't believe my therapist. Nobody's *ever* going to believe me.

But... I *know* there's something to this. Everyone's just acting so *sketchy*. The things that have happened to me seem *highly* improbable. I can't just... forget about all this and check myself into rehab...

Actually, I *could have* if Vickie said "Tommy *is* from Warren, but *not* a Freemason or a reincarnated space alien, and I'll see you next week!" The circumstances were just too *sketchy* for me to brush off. Particularly with the DBT suggestion, it seemed like she was trying to give me *intentionally* bad advice; as if she had been coerced into no longer providing me counselling, and couldn't communicate that directly.

I mean, if you had a patient in as delicate a situation as I was, it kinda seems like breaking off a client-patient relationship like that is the *last* thing you'd want to do. It's almost like she was *asking* me to stop seeking mental health treatment.

### Where we're going, we don't need roads (Q3)

I feel a little silly, telling you that July might've been the first month I actually had visions in my head about an actual *spaceship*; and, that I'd get to use one, apparently.

#TODO I'm not sure I've mentioned this yet; but the writing convention for this section is that I'll try to talk about what was in my head *then* as opposed to now. I don't *actually* believe any of this at the time of writing.

Reincarnated space aliens. UFO kids. Whatever you call us. We get access to advanced craft, for health and leisure.

People like me should be having regular alien "doctor's appointments". We start to lose mental cohesion after some number of years of not getting fixed up. Young children who are different get "abducted" for their appointments. Adults, summon the craft and walk in of their own free will. After they've been vetted, that is.

Why haven't I been vetted yet? What's wrong? Oh, right. Friday the 13th. Fuck.

I guess the reincarnation of *that* dude isn't getting off so easy.

The idea in my head at this point was that with practice, you could *see* the spaceship before it materialized into physical space. You'd go somewhere very private, wait until you can see it with your "third eye" or whatever, and give the signal when you're ready for it to land. The TV-static ghost-like outline of a flying saucer would give way to an *incredibly bright* flash of white light; which would last several seconds, until the ship was done shifting into three-dimensional space.

Generally speaking, there were two types of visits one might schedule: overnight doctor's appointments, and spacetime travel. An overnight user of the spaceport would essentially occupy the entire landing area from midnight to dawn, as the ship needs to shift in and out of physical space repeatedly and in the same place as part of their work. Travelers would only need a few minutes; as their future self would be able to land just after they took off, or even before. As much as I struggled to suspend my disbelief, it apparently *was* somehow possible to time travel "science fiction" or "causality reversal-style", and to have a conversation with a past or future version of you. As such, an overnight user needed to let any travelers who scheduled the space take off and land first before they went in for their night's sleep.

It was really unusual and disorienting, having all these oddly specific things flooding into my brain; mundane details mixed with spectacular, otherworldly things.

I started remembering things about my homeworld. I had been the president there once, and people really liked me. Most all of my incarnations made it back eventually. I had a second home there that felt like a townhouse for giants; my natural species was about a foot taller than the average human.

There's a lot I could say about everything I remembered and envisioned during this time; but the reality is, it doesn't matter, because it's all bullshit. I started writing about it, but it was incredibly tedious. Maybe it should go in an appendix or something eventually. #TODO Put it in a details tag or something

---

Josh tried engaging me, while continuing on with his very adult life things. He was busy planning his wedding with Caroline; who he was really eager for me to meet. I figure that might still happen someday.

!lbubbleis Josh

!lbubble {Monday, August 15 2022 09:33AM}
Hey so Caroline's mom needs to know if you're coming to the party in Delaware. If not, it's fine.

!rbubble {Monday, August 15 2022 02:55PM}
So there's a lot going on with me, I'll get the di's some other time, and I need to look up that invitation again but if it's this month it's not happening.

!lbubble {Monday, August 15 2022 02:56PM}
It's labor day weekend

!lbubble {Monday, August 15 2022 02:57PM}
I'm closing on a house in the mountains the end of this month and I'll be moving stuff and I want to get rid of my weed stuff by then.

!lbubble {Tuesday, August 30 2022 04:52PM}
Do you want to talk?

!lbubble {Tuesday, August 30 2022 04:56PM}
If there's anything I can do to help you just tell me.

!rbubble {Tuesday, August 30 2022 05:03PM}
Not really

!lbubble {Tuesday, August 30 2022 05:04PM}
I'm sorry you're going through this

!lbubble {Thursday, September 01 2022 01:04PM}
Happy Birthday!!

!lbubble {Tuesday, September 06 2022 02:09PM}
You doing ok?

---

I'd been convinced for *months* that something big was going to happen with this Red Hot Chili Peppers concert that was on my birthday. I took time off work around my birthday, and didn't really know what to do with myself when inevitably nothing spectacular happened.

Having not really been able to perform my duties for some time now and seeing little recourse, I sent a message to HR basically saying I was dealing with problems that didn't exist according to the United States government or mainstream science; and that I was basically stuck because the Freemasons won't talk to me, presumably because I'm the reincarnation of the Roman senator who caused Friday the 13th. When I got a, somewhat understandably snarky message from HR saying I was expected to return to work, I sent a reply stating that I quit effective immediately.

So; I quit my job because I was to the point that I couldn't really work, or even live a normal life anymore. I'd been paranoid for a while about people being able to see in the window in the front door, and decided to put a curtain over it.

About two days after I sent the email, and *about a half hour after I finished putting up the curtain*, there was a hard knock on the door.

> ***(knock knock knock)***   
> **DURHAM POLICE DEPARTMENT**   
> ***(knock knock knock)***   

God. *Dammit*.

I was *not* about to open the door this time. I actually decided to take a shower. After a few minutes, they started repeating my name over and over; like they were looking for a stray kitten.

> Rachael?   
>    
> Rachael?   

They eventually left, and I started getting calls from the police department. They were simply responding to a wellness check, and were satisfied with the explanations I gave over the phone; though the woman talked to me like I was a nine-year-old.

> So we heard you *quit* your *jawwwwwb*...

> Look, I'm just going through some life changes right now...

I tried to feel out if it was my mother or people from work who did it. I couldn't really get anything out of the woman on the other end of the line.

Today, my assumption is that Paul or someone from work called it in. At the time, I was *convinced* it was Susan. The timing seemed far too suspicious. Like, I spent more time than I expected getting the rod up there, I adjusted it a couple of times to my liking, and then I went upstairs to have a smoke. And... then the cops showed up. Coincidence? Probably; at least this time.

This fed into another fear or "realization" I developed, based on these weird messages in my head: Susan thinks I'm retarded.

Yep. It was true! It explains *so* much! You know how she's always infantilizing me? She still does her little baby talk thing a little too much? She kinda treats me like a fucking nine-year-old sometimes?

Oh. She thinks I'm *retarded*. Right.

We were asked to paint a landscape in kindergarten, and mine was *not* particularly good. Later in life, I learned the reason I'm bad at art is probably that I have [aphantasia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphantasia). Susan, on the other hand, kept displaying the painting longer than she should have, using it as evidence of my "special needs" when convenient. Her goal seemed to be to keep me off the short bus, while also keeping her retard adult child on a leash as (s)he played engineer in the city like a big grownup...

I remember when I was in first or second grade, she was *convinced* I needed extra help with math. It's always been my weakest subject, but I don't remember getting particularly bad grades in math at that age. It's just my worst subject is all. She drilled me after school with flash cards and worksheets and shit, and I *hated* it. I don't feel like it helped me much in the long term; but who knows.

I think it's bullshit now; but I thought I remembered there being a test she was afraid to have me take, because she was convinced I would fail and be put in "special classes". A message in my head told me that there were two kids at Bladen Lakes whose parents wouldn't take them to get the WISC; mine and Shawn Breck's. Lacking standardized test scores to know where to place us otherwise, they administered the AIG test to the two of us in-school.

I placed into AIG at "level 2" in second grade, as I recall.

I remember as us AIG kids grew older and were nearing the sixth grade, *most* of us were retaking the AIG test; as you needed level 3 or 4 to get into Clarkton. I remember telling my mom a couple times that I think I needed to retake the AIG test for Clarkton like the other kids; and she assured me I didn't need to.

Then, I remember orientation at Clarkton. I was going around on the tour, but... there was some unexpected "clerical error". My name wasn't on the AIG list. My mother went to the office, and suddenly my name was there.

In my state of paranoia, I couldn't help but assume the worst about what Susan did back then. Did I not even get into *Clarkton* on my own merits? *Fuck. Susan.*

I could hear her justifying her actions in her mind. "I just wanted to give you *everything*"... "You didn't have a chance at life otherwise"... "I did what *any* mother would've done"...

Anyway; the curtain. I was convinced the reason the cops came so quickly after I put it up, was that Susan was *actually* collecting video evidence to use in court so that she could re-gain custody of me. Or get the Britney Spears conservatorship on me or some shit. Assisting her was a dirty lawyer she managed to procure pro bono after crying about how her "special needs child was *out of control!*"; the lawyer thought she might be able to win, and line her pockets with my engineer money even if *Susan* was broke.

Fuck. Susan.

I was utterly convinced *even more* weird bullshit was about to happen to me. I took a dress to get dry-cleaned, and bought some new boots at DSW in preparation for my surely-impending day in court that this dirty lawyer was going to spring on me at the last moment.

Tommy reached out to me as I moved the goalpost around; but a meeting never transpired.

!lbubbleis Tommy

!lbubble {Wednesday, September 07 2022 05:43PM}
Hey Rachel, I hope this text finds you well. Since we talked last, my life has been crazy. I was appointed to a new church (...). We still have our house in Cary and we are there quite a bit. So if you would like to get together sometime, just text me and I'll try to work it out. Nancy says hello!

!rbubble {Monday, September 12 2022 07:18PM}
Thanks for reaching out! Yes, I'd like to get together sometime soon.

### Monkey wrench (Q4)

In early fall, a message came to me that was somehow *even more disturbing* than everything that'd happened before. I haven't really mentioned it up to this point; but the messages in my head had long since taken the form of some vague, Morpheus-like person guiding me through *whatever* process-of-a-lifetime I was going through.

> There are charges pending against you.

> Charges? For what?

> Murder.

*Murder?* That's a joke, right?

The problem involved time travel to the past; something that was *somehow* possible with the level of access I (or my future self) had. The murderer is/was actually *my future self*; an individual known to the state of California to be armed, dangerous, and *pissed off*. What happened?

Well you see... My future self went on to have a relationship with fellow UFO kid Anthony Kiedis; who'd be more like a "UFO daddy" if we maintained the present age gap. Except, we *didn't*. At least not *all* the time.

I traveled back in time to the early 90s to be Anthony Kiedis' secret wife; we would actually be about the same age at the beginning of our relationship. I started to feel a little silly for thinking otherwise.

The deal with time travel was, you could get away with about ten years of age slippage before people *really* start to notice and ask questions. So, I had ten years to spend in the 90s before I was destined to become the president and get assassinated; at which point, I'd have subsequent lifetimes which I'd be able to remember through the correct process. I was starting to feel a bit *immortal*.

The state of California knew the truth about UFOs, and had a program for folks visiting like me where we could get ID and even have a job; essentially an extension of the witness protection program. We needed to pick a name for myself in this timeline, and in a spur of the moment went with the clerk's suggestion of *Dani*. It wasn't until later that we realized I was "Dani the tranny" *and* "Retard Rachael".

Burnt out and frustrated that I could never quite make it as an engineer, I vowed to relegate computers and electronics to hobby status, while devoting my professional career to photography. I enjoyed the last years of film, setting up a dark room in a spare corner of our house.

We decided to start time travelling our future human incarnations to come hang out with us in Malibu. In the spirit of my new career in film, we produced in our home a Wayne's World-like series called "Time Travel Time"; for which I was also the host. I had visions of having to drive a couple of hours out into the desert to land the ships. *It felt so real at the time*.

My next incarnation was a woman named Megan Murphy. She had a better childhood situation with no legal or administrative hold-ups, and was able to learn what she was at the age of 12.

Megan was pretty different from me, and was destined to become a musician and an artist at a young age. What a ride.

So, me and my adolescent future self are hanging out with my new boyfriend or quasi-husband Anthony Kiedis in LA. This is fine.

Somehow we became close friends with Dave Grohl. Anyway; one thing led to another, and my future self began having underage relations with Anthony Kiedis and Dave Grohl.

When this came to me, my first thought was "That can't be right. Dave Grohl lives in Alexandria, VA or some shit."

I checked Wikipedia, and it turns out he *did* live in LA for a few years in the mid-to-late 90s; right as all this was ostensibly happening. *And* he's still from Warren, Ohio.

Shit, dude.

So, my future self is having safe sane and consensual, albeit *underage* relations with 90s rock stars, that occasionally involves elements of BDSM. This is fine. Right?

Or rather, *was* having relations. This is ancient history to everyone involved *except* for me. They *know* who I'll grow up to become. I've been surrounded ever since I was eight.

So eventually, some nosy neighbors grew *worried* because they wanted to know what this adolescent girl was doing hanging out with rock stars. Folks were *concerned* for her safety.

This is when the cops got involved and raided our house. After they found sex toys with Megan juice on them, they basically said "somebody's going to jail". I took the fall for Dave and Tony; hoping to explain in court that she was really just my future self. Are they going to convict me of raping myself?

Despite having allies who understood, we had a really hard time getting the court and law enforcement to take us seriously. After we tried to demystify what being a UFO kid *really* meant, many of them only grew more distrustful; crafting their own theories about how we were *really* running an intergalactic child sex trafficking ring, and might be able to brainwash and alter memories.

We brought Megan's future adult self with us to testify; but, her testimony was ruled inadmissible because she was the alleged victim.

Leading up to this, "Dani" had been filming a sort of underground documentary about this whole process; for which she was already prepared, being older than I am now. We wanted to show how we talked to Megan's future self first and consulted different Megans from different timelines, before following through on something that was unconventional, but ultimately harmless or even beneficial to Megan.

After fighting a long legal battle up a really steep hill, the tide *finally* started to turn in our favor. We had some luck arguing that Megan and I were the same person; and thus, anything sexual between the two of us is tantamount to masturbation.

Of course, I wasn't *really* fucking my future self at all. I was only taking the fall for Dave and Tony; while keeping in mind that I would someday *become* Megan and enjoy myself; having the opposite of the sexually-repressive experience I had in my youth *this* lifetime.

After being acquitted of the charge of statutory rape, things only *briefly* looked better, until somehow the law caught wind of the, uh... "BDSM" element. This sparked a whole new round of debates. Sure, you can *fuck* yourself; but where do you draw the line?

The judge was *particularly* disturbed that Megan got tied up for fun; and wasn't having *any* of it. It was ruled that in the state of California, it *is* legal to fuck yourself, but it is *not* legal to tie yourself up.

I was convicted on assault charges, and sentenced to 18 months of house arrest.[^40]

[^40]: @MalibuHouseArrest would eventually become my presidential Twitter (or whatever it's called now) handle.

While all this was going on, there was this dirty cop who liked to fuck with the pedophiles. He abducted me a handful of times *along with Dave Grohl*, to do shit like shaving part of my head or raping me with a clothes hanger.

Law enforcement was highly suspicious of my various lifestyle and career choices. I was into photography and had my own dark room, and had found a workaday job as a photographer when I wasn't touring with Anthony Kiedis. I was hired to do all sorts of work; though I *was* often taking portraits of children. We had a PRI circuit which I ran the area's first dial-up ISP off of, and I had some Sun servers and an SGI workstation I used for the ISP and for Rachael stuff; no, not child porn. They didn't believe that, though. Oh yeah, and then there was all the shit we had for producing Time Travel Time. They were *convinced* it was all a cover for producing elaborate child pornography, despite their failed attempts to actually find anything of that nature. They *really* assumed the worst of me.

I was prohibited from continuing to produce Time Travel Time; though I continued to do so clandestinely, covering such topics as music and pop culture.

During my house arrest, a child was abducted by a woman vaguely matching my description; and they were *certain* I did it. I had one of the first ankle bracelets, but they thought I was using alien technology to defeat the mechanism and leave the house. There were demands that I decrypt the storage containing my documentary; something they had begrudgingly given up on after pushing for it at the beginning of my incarceration. The dirty cop abducted me and hit me in the head with a cinder block in an attempt to get me to reveal the password; however, I was knocked unconscious for a few hours, and when I woke up he was merely relieved *he* wasn't on the hook for murder.

Anyway; I made it through roughly a year and a half of house arrest. Other than being a registered sex offender in 90s California, it would seem I've done my time.

The registry simply listed my crime as having "tied up a child"; something angry women would often come to my house and yell at me for. I made VHS tapes to explain what happened with Megan, and why it wasn't as bad as the courts made it sound.

I generally made myself scarce around Malibu after this happened, though I still maintained a residence there. We'd often go on long trips out of state or in the wilderness, illegally summoning Megan's spaceship once we were out of view.

As a registered sex offender, there were certain shits you had to put up with. And no, I never looked up to see if any of these things were true in 90s California, but they probably *weren't*.

The cops could come and search our house any time without notice, basically as if they had a standing warrant to do so. If we didn't open the door, they'd just beat it down most of the time; we returned at least once or twice to there simply being no front door on the house because the cops decided to show up and make sure we weren't raping anyone.

After some amount of this injustice, I finally just *snapped*. And I became...

Dani California: Modern-day outlaw

I sent letters to all levels of government, declaring my personal sovereignty. I'm a multi-lifetime intergalactic world leader, goddammit! I'll have *no more* of this violent, insulting nonsense from you animals and your banana republic of a planet!

Nobody took the letters seriously; which I expected. I armed myself with an assault rifle and sidearm, which visitors would invariably see the barrel of sooner rather than later. When the cops kept coming to our house because of their sex offender policy, they'd be greeted with my rifle in an increasingly tense series of encounters. These encounters with law enforcement were usually met with retribution from Dani's army of past and future selves; eventually resulting in Dani burning down the Malibu police station with Molotov cocktails. No, I wasn't able to fact-check this. By this point, if I couldn't find anything online about the Malibu police station burning down in the 90s, I'd have just assumed there was a cover-up.

It was *now* that Dani had become a killer. She'd had enough; she wouldn't *seek out* cops, but would kill any of them who got in her way. She ended up killing *a few* cops in the nineties.

![Me (October 2022)](img/rl-2210.jpg)

Dani was eventually classified as "unapprehendable" by the California authorities, which led to my case being turned over to the FBI. I was secretly considered part of their most-wanted list. And, I was just a wee little kid living in Elizabethtown, NC; when I'm not back in the 90s causing terror, that is.

> Alright, so I start marching my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say **CAROL** *(knock knock knock)* **CAAAAROOOLLL I gotta talk to you about Pepe**

I tried getting hold of Tommy again; but he never returned my text. I took that as a sign the Freemasons couldn't help me anymore.

!rbubble {Thursday, October 27 2022 10:20AM}
Good morning! I'd like to meet up with you soon if you're going to be in the area. I can also go out that way if it's more convenient.

I'm telling you, this was, like, the scariest time period of my life. It was like that trope from the old west, where the clock strikes noon and the shutters on the saloon close and suddenly the town falls silent, and there's *no one* around to help you.

!embed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpEkaGJnkAk&t=18s

---

The legal precedent that one couldn't "tie themselves up" in California had ramifications in the greater BDSM community; resulting in a self-bondage workshop at a con getting raided by police. This led to the NCSF taking on my case in order to overturn the ruling. Because of this work, by the mid 2000s self bondage was legal in California, and my conviction for "tying up my future self" had been overturned; all before I graduated from middle school.

Of course, I *was* still on the hook for murder.

My case prompted a whole discussion about convicting people of crimes they haven't yet committed. Many in government were uneasy about my future self's proclamation of independence combined with my access to advanced technology, and they considered me a national security risk. The FBI was content with taking California's word that I was some crazy tranny who was probably running a child sex trafficking ring they never could manage to bust.

---

After building up the courage, I tried walking into a masonic lodge and telling them I wanted to talk about "visions and past life memories" I'd been having. I left after being told they were "really just a fraternal organization" or something to that effect; and sheepishly responding "I don't believe you", in an attempt to invoke the thing I remember Heather and her friend teaching me all those years ago.

I think it was around late November when the message appeared in my head

> They want to send you to Gitmo.

Over the following days and weeks, it was revealed that because of Dani's proclamation of sovereignty in the 90s, the courts ruled I was technically *not* a US citizen. A lot of soldier boys are *real* spooked out about a crazy sovereign citizen tranny pedophile with a flying saucer on the loose, and they *have* to be sure.

Which brings us here: the head or tail of this temporal ouroboros, depending on how you look at it. I appeared to be locked into a sort of fate, where certain things were bound to occur. Part of it appeared to be karma for Friday the 13th, and part of it appeared to be that I didn't *want* to change my past timeline. It was as if my intentions had arrived at *this* steady state; where a bunch of really bad stuff was bound to happen to me, and yet I wouldn't have it any other way in the end. The timeline would simply be *different* otherwise. It was as if the universe found the *worst* possible fate that I apparently *still* wouldn't change with access to a time machine.

The debacle appeared to reveal something fascinating about the universe, if not also a bit terrifying; if you want to understand how to change the timeline, you have to understand *intent*. Once you give somebody free rein over a craft that can travel backwards through time, the problem is really obvious; whatever past our timeline is based on is ultimately derived from the mere *intentions* of everyone who possesses such a craft. On one hand, it's just an exchange of property. On the other hand, it's like a sort of "magical artifact" that grants the immediate wishes of the bearer. As long as one maintains the intent for something to happen in the past and ultimately follows through, it can be considered "good as done".

You might be thinking, wouldn't *all* intents modify the timeline? And the answer is, of course they do! Everyone has intentions, and they affect the forward and/or backward timeline *as soon as you intend to follow through with them*. We're always in a sort of negative feedback loop, looking at our past and present and formulating new intents based on our present state.

This was apparently the true nature of spacetime; we experience it linearly, but affect it non-linearly and seemingly in real time through our intents. Far out!

I was bolstered by the strong feeling *this* was something some of these mysterious UFO folks I've encountered throughout my life tried to explain in a roundabout way, without really *saying* the thing. It particularly reminded me of the talk I had with Persephone in 2019, when she tried to explain the power of thoughts and intentions. I didn't really get it at the time.

---

As the year went on, there was something unrelated to UFOs that had grabbed my attention in the meantime: this lower dose of spironolactone *wasn't* cutting it. I'd been avoiding the doctor ever since I needed her to sign that thing. I missed an appointment and never rescheduled; but she was still refilling my meds, so I wasn't immediately concerned. I had... bigger things going on with me.

It was a bit silly in retrospect. What was she going to do? Send me back to the looney bin?

I didn't really *need* to make a mental note to bring it up with my doctor after several months on the new dose. It was gradual, but I could tell my body hair was getting thicker, and I had grease on the bridge of my nose again.

---

I drifted away from Stephanie late into the year. I remember her inviting me to a Thanksgiving thing with her family, and I was just *not* up for it.

After having quit my job, Josh was getting really anxious to know what was going on with me. He was starting to have trouble finding Pepe's office himself.

!lbubbleis Josh

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:07AM}
Hey Rachael. I'm texting you to just say I really really really really really wish that you would tell me about all the crazy shit that's going on. I mean, you told me the basics, and it was really interesting. I know you felt embarrassed that you couldn't prove it was all true since your short term predictions didn't come true, but that doesn't matter. I believe in you. I told you that. I can be someone in your corner to bounce things off of. You think I don't know anything about the occult? You're wrong. Give me a chance. Be my friend. Please!

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:13AM}
I know about mentalism, correspondence, polarity, rhythm, cause and effect, and gender

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:14AM}
I know the true meaning of the tarot and the tree of life

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:14AM}
Am I not worthy?

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:18AM}
I choose the right hand path

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:19AM}
I need you, Rachael. I miss you. Let me fight off these demons with you.

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:26AM}
You think I don't know about Saturn?

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:27AM}
[1000000200.jpg image/jpeg]

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:27AM}
I know about everything

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:27AM}
So please tell me about what you know

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:34AM}
I have spent so many hours decoding what these assholes want to do to our society and you don't believe I know enough about it to put me in your inner circle

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:34AM}
[1000000201.jpg image/jpeg]

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:35AM}
Or you don't trust me

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:35AM}
Yes, I'm blowing your phone up at 2:30 AM. You don't have a job.

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:37AM}
You think I'm still sitting down there at that checkerboard base reality don't you?

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 02:44AM}
[1000000202.jpg image/jpeg]

!rbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 08:27AM}
You seem a bit confused. I'd love to catch up sometime, but I've still got nothing but out-of-sync visions and memories.

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 08:27AM}
Sorry I got a little drunk at the game

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 08:27AM}
I just like wanted to prove I knew stuff so you'd tell me stuff

!rbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 08:39AM}
I wish I had more to tell you. I still don't think I'm crazy.

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 08:39AM}
Cause last time you were like "I gotta go talk to my people who know more about the occult"

!lbubble {Friday, October 28 2022 04:44PM}
But yeah let's hang out next time I come to Durham for sure

!lbubble {Sunday, November 06 2022 08:11PM}
Can we go to a restaurant or something next weekend? Caroline also wants to meet you

!lbubble {Friday, November 11 2022 10:42AM}
Rachael come on and eat with us. We won't talk about aliens.

!lbubble {Friday, November 11 2022 10:44AM}
I really hope you will still be in the wedding since you're one of my best friends that I've known the longest. You need to meet Caroline! I know you have a lot going on but I bet you could do a 1 hour meal tomorrow!

!rbubble {Saturday, November 12 2022 12:52PM}
I'm sorry, I don't mean to ignore you but there's a lot going on and I don't know if that's gonna happen.

!lbubble {Saturday, November 12 2022 12:53PM}
We ended up not going to the triangle this week anyway


At the same time, Josh's mom was messaging me.

!lbubbleis Melinda K.

!lbubble {Saturday, November 19 2022 11:33AM}
Hi Rachael! This is Ms. Melinda, Josh's mom. His fiancée has asked me to reach out to you about the wedding in June. Are you planning to participate as a grooms-maid? Caroline is trying to get dresses ordered as soon as possible because of the deadline to get them before the wedding. Would you please text her or Josh? Thanks so much! Hope to see you over the Christmas holidays!

!rbubble {Saturday, November 19 2022 05:06PM}
Sorry, I'll message her!

!lbubble {Saturday, November 19 2022 05:12PM}
Thanks!

!lbubble {Saturday, November 19 2022 05:18PM}
I appreciate you getting in touch. You have been  Josh's longest friend and we're hoping you will be a part of this special life moment.

!lbubbleis Josh

!lbubble {Monday, November 28 2022 03:11AM}
Hey Rach. Love you. Hang in there. -DK

---

A little after Thanksgiving, another message popped into my head.

> You still have sideburns.

![A particularly egregious example of my perceived sidehair problem, likely exacerbated by social distancing (August 2020)](img/rl-2008.jpg)

This is something I'd actually been paranoid about since before COVID. I was never entirely convinced my stylist and electrologist collectively found the boundary between my sidehair and side*burns*. I brought this up a couple of times; but neither of them seemed concerned or suggested anything.

Shit. I have sideburns; and Susan's dirty little lawyer friend is *eating it all up*.

*Something* had felt wrong for a while. Like, I have this weird, different hair that won't tuck behind my ears right. It feels kinda course and curly, and I *don't* think it's the same thing as women's side hair.

Ick!

![A more recent photo that I think looks better, *at least in terms of sidehair* (January 2024)](img/side-2401.jpg)

After carefully weighing my options, I decided I just needed to go on a mission to clean up my sideburns. I started to think I may've fucked up when at some point in my transition I kinda just *stopped* shaving my sideburns. And, that wasn't really coordinated with Lawrence or Shannon.

The troops went in to tame the wilderness, and I definitely went up too high the first time. With that being said, I *do* think I had a bit of an overgrown sideburn problem, despite my otherwise addled and confused state of mind during this period. But again; this was an insecurity I had for a while before UFOs became part of my life.

I started taking biotin and wearing a hoodie while my side hair filled in, whenever I wasn't awkwardly pulling it over my ears or something. I grew *obsessed* with the phenomenon of side-hair; and the fact that humans seem to have wildly different amounts of it, either by choice or by nature. Some people's stops just above the ear. A lot of women *do* have fuzz down to around mid-ear; but it's *light* fuzz, not course, gnarly beard hair.

![I was clearly already concerned about my hair (November 2022)](img/rl-2211.jpg)

I looked at trans reddit to see what other folks in my situation do, and it's also pretty varied. One girl got laser all the way to the top of her ear, and I thought it looked pretty good. Some folks managed to grow out some lower hair and make it work; but I *really* don't think I have the facial hair type to blend it in without looking gross.

> I don't like beard hair. It's rough, course and irritating... and it gets everywhere. Not like *girl* hair. Girl hair is everything soft and... and smooth...
